ReverseVoteSwap.org

Like most Americans, I work more than one job, and frequently work ten- and twelve-hour days. This doesn’t leave me much time to think about hassles like registering to vote. Now I’m worried because I’m not sure what to do. All summer long I ignored those get-out-the-vote college kids because they just wanted me to vote for that hack John Kerry. Now those kids are all in New Hampshire and Iowa and I don’t know how to register to vote. What do I do?

Nothing makes us as angry about the two-party reactionary monopoly as tales like this one. The single most important obstacle to Reverse Vote Swapping is the fact that the US government’s two ruling parties have assigned to themselves the authority to control elections. This is a little like the fox guarding the henhouse, or more specifically, bands of foxes alternately guarding and raiding henhouses based upon shifting rivalries. In any case, it means that the primary people responsible for handling voter registrations are on the Bush or Kerry payroll. Thus they are both incredibly hostile to Reverse Vote Swappers and truly obnoxious. Our astute ReverseVoteSwap.org supporter was right to avoid them at all costs.

However, it is now too late to register to vote. In some states, particularly of the spoiled variety, you can still vote for President if you simply locate your City Hall on Election Day. It is generally a gaudy building underneath a dark cloud and a circling swarm of vultures. Otherwise, consult a map, or ask a liberal coworker or classmate as a last resort. If you must ask a liberal, try not to make it obvious that you will be voting for progressive candidate Ralph Nader. This tends to send them into a blind rage, which may well prevent them from giving you useful directions. The careful use of phrases like “Most important election of our lifetime” and “clear differences of tone” will likely put you in the clear.

After everything that happened in Florida last election, I’m worried that my vote might not get counted. What should I do to be sure?

First, make sure that you don’t live in a spoiled state, where your vote doesn’t count. If you do live in a swing state, where the election is legally allowed to take place, you can follow a few simple rules to insure that you are well treated at your polling place. First, we suggest that you be white and wealthy. If not, act like you are. Wear your stiffest clothes. Come to your polling place with a cigar and a snifter of brandy and start every sentence with “I say.” Example: Instead of saying “Good morning” to pollworkers, say, “I say, good morning” or “I say, capital morning for an election, isn’t it old bean?” Other variations are acceptable as well.

If you are not on your precinct’s list of voters, you are legally guaranteed a provisional ballot. In 2000, Florida police set up road blocks to keep out people of color trying to vote. This year, contested voters will be given “provisional” ballots, which are much like regular ballots, except for the fact that they don’t count in vote tallies. They are immediately thrown away after they have served to make people feel like they got to vote. Exception: A limited number of provisional voters will assemble into two groups or “parties” and engage in a series of humiliating tasks. One eventual winner will get to cast an authentic ballot.

If you feel that your rights are being violated on Election Day, and that you are being illegally excluded from the political process, rest assured that you are certainly correct.

I hear talk about elections in Iraq next year. Considering what a disaster our political system is, how can our government expect to bring democracy anywhere else?

That’s a rhetorical question, right?

Yeah.

Just checking.

I haven’t yet been assigned my Reverse Vote Swap yet and I’m getting concerned. Election Day is coming quickly, and I don’t want to be left out of this dynamic new political trend!

First, please accept our apologies. As of now, some states have as few as one full-time ReverseVoteSwap.org staffer charged with organizing swaps. If, by some chance, you have not heard from us by Tuesday morning, just go ahead and vote Nader no matter where you are. You can do so resting assured that a bunch of other jackasses are voting for the two pro-war candidates, relieving you from any obligation to do so yourself.

How do I find out where to cast my vote?

Your city and state likely have confusing websites that may or may not provide this information. A better, quicker method is to think about where the closest hangout for conservative senior citizens is in relation to your home. Think about nearby churches and retirement homes. Polling places are mandated by federal law to be as inconvenient as possible for the largest possible number of people. You should also be on the lookout for depressed liberals, as they are in all likelihood on the way to or from voting for John Kerry and less than thrilled about it. Ask one of them where to go. They will mumble something and then point weakly with their thumb slightly extended. You can cheer such a person up by mentioning casually that you are voting for Nader. Be sure to immediately run away to keep from getting hit. Liberals on Election Day are likely to be crankier than usual, as they will have been up all night psyching themselves up to vote for Kerry by chanting platitudes like, “A fresh start for America.”

How can I support ReverseVoteSwap.org between now and Election Day?

Glad you asked! The most important thing, of course, is to direct your friends to our website, since word of mouth is our best method of advertisement. You can also pass the word on to strangers via the careful use of graffiti. Scrawling “ReverseVoteSwap.org is not responsible for this vandalism!” on a wall is a great way to both advertise for us and to absolve us of most criminal charges. In addition, you can write our web address on paper money, magazine subscription cards at stores, and the foreheads of passed out friends at parties. The possibilities are endless!

We also suggest that you have an election night party with fellow Reverse Vote Swappers. This is a good way to make the election pass as pleasantly as possible by insuring that you are thoroughly inebriated. You may want to post some manner of warning at the door, however. You wouldn’t want an unfortunate liberal to accidentally stumble into a party that was openly hostile to both of the major right-wing candidates. Such an event has been known to cause immediate liberal hyperventilation, which can be a serious buzz kill, so consider yourself forewarned.

Also, be sure to take a moment at some point during your party to pour one out for your friends at ReverseVoteSwap.org. We’ll be doing the same from our headquarters in Miami (we’re currently doing watchdog work to insure that election fraud is equally distributed between the Bush and Kerry camps for the sake of fairness). It’s the least we can do to thank you, our loyal customers, for your kind words and letters and Reverse Vote Swaps. Without you, we couldn’t show those motherf*ckers we're serious!™