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In Distraction 2004

October 07, 2004

The Way of Nuance

The dominant stratactical trend in the 2004 election can be summarized in a single word: NUANCE. Indeed, this is the most nuanced campaign season to date, according to the extensive research performed by the ReverseVoteSwap.org think tank. Like many pieces of political jargon (think triangulate, NASCAR dad, shizzle, swing-state) nuance is a word that is more often used than it is understood.

As a service to all Reverse Vote Swappers, ReverseVoteSwap.org would like to share our analysis of the role of nuance in the current election cycle. Although its mystical power holds millions of liberals in thrall, nuance can be easily understood via the process of decoding John Kerry’s statements and policy positions by “reading” what Kerry actually says. However, out of any random sample of 100 Kerry voters, approximately zero (plus or minus a margin of error of three) will have actually read Kerry’s statements on key issues. Because reading Kerry’s statements is so politically useful and so rarely done, ReverseVoteSwap.org has concluded that this act may in fact be against the law. Our lawyers are currently investigating, so please continue to check back for updates. Therefore, at great personal risk, ReverseVoteSwap.org presents this groundbreaking report on nuance, Kerry-style.

First, some excerpts from the ancient Democratic strategy guide, the Book of Nuance.

  • We cannot know nuance itself, nor see its qualities direct, but only see by differentiation, that which it manifests. [1]
  • Just as the finest sword smith tempers the finest blade with his experience, so the liberal, with nuance, tempers progressive votes. With wise campaign advisors, contradictory positions can exist in unity, each with the other, because no Democrat need feel the need to question these positions, as to do so would threaten nuance itself. [15]
  • The Democratic politician acts as one with nuance, for he knows it is here that campaign contributions are found. It is for this reason that nuance is sought. Whilst voters at a rally enjoy muzak and pancakes, as these are supplied by a candidate, a description of nuance seems without form, for it cannot be heard and cannot be seen. But when the muzak and pancakes are all ended, the taste of nuance still remains. [28]
These excerpts may not prove particularly helpful in their raw form, so rather than subject our supporters to hundreds of pages of Democratic doublespeak, we have condensed nuance to a handful of key points. By its very definition, however, nuance has multiple definitions and in fact new definitions are being concocted in underground DNC laboratories throughout the blue states as we speak. Here some of the most important definitions:
  1. The ability to put a complete sentence together successfully. Common liberal usage: “Did you watch the debates? I was so impressed with Kerry’s ability to speak English, his first language. What a nuanced performance!”
  2. The ability to use more than one meaningless platitude in a single sentence. Common usage: “John Kerry is for a stronger America at home and abroad. That's what I call nuance!”
  3. The ability to advocate liberal and reactionary positions at the same time, without upsetting liberals. Common usage: “Sure John Kerry is for the war. But he’s also for winning the peace. Bush could never be so nuanced!”
John Kerry has used the Third Way of nuance to his greatest advantage. Thanks to the clever use of nuance, Kerry has contradicted himself with a commendable persistence and consistency. That is truly an accomplishment. Kerry’s nuance is proving so successful that he might manage the unprecedented feat of not losing that badly to the least popular politician on the planet.

Let us examine some key campaign issues so that we may see Kerry’s nuance in action.

The Occupation of Iraq

Kerry initially made the mistake of approaching this question in an un-nuanced way, until a recent injection of evil viziers set him on the correct path. Kerry is now against starting the war; or more precisely, against the way it was started; or more precisely, against that it was started without bamboozling enough foreign help. By eventually condemning something already universally understood to be a fuck-up, Kerry has fired the imaginations of anti-war liberals, even though his plan for continuing the occupation is identical to Bush's, with the exception that Kerry is the Anybody But Bush. Nuance to the rescue!

Abortion Rights

Kerry’s position on abortion rights is truly a master stroke of nuance. Kerry is proud to have supported “any number of judges who are pro-life or pro-something else that I may not agree with.” Hence thanks to the careful use of nuance, John Kerry has successfully promised that he will do nothing to strengthen a woman’s right to choose. Furthermore, by stating that he opposes abortion “personally” and believes “life does begin at conception” John Kerry has successfully captured pro-choice voters while simultaneously using the sort of anti-choice rhetoric that has eroded abortion rights for decades. Superlative nuance!

The PATRIOT Act

The USA PATRIOT Act, which brought the US to new lows in civil rights and new highs in stupid acronyms, is a widely despised piece of legislation. Thanks to his nuanced position, John Kerry will receive millions of anti-PATRIOT Act votes. This makes perfect sense, as Kerry’s strong anti-PATRIOT Act position is that he wants to maintain “95 percent” of the act and “strengthen” the remainder, which apparently needs to hit the gym. Another victory for nuance!

Gay Rights

Thanks to nuance, John Kerry has secured himself a reputation as a supporter of gay rights, despite any willingness to actually do or say anything that might have a positive impact on the lives of gays and lesbians. For instance, despite his stated opposition to a federal ban, Kerry was all for banning same-sex marriage in Missouri, and even has gone so far as to say he would have voted for the ban himself. Hence by using nuance and a combination of anti-gay rhetoric and slightly less anti-gay rhetoric, John Kerry will be supported by many looking to vote for an LGBT-friendly candidate. Nuance marches on!

We at ReverseVoteSwap.org could go into further examples of nuance and the Kerry campaign, but we suspect our loyal customers get the idea. Nuance is just one more reason to Reverse Vote Swap and show those motherf*ckers you're serious!™ thereby minimizing the potential impact of voting for John Kerry’s egomaniacal ego campaign of vanity, ego, vanity, and nuance.

Posted by convener at October 7, 2004 07:14 AM