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Election 2004: Finally Got the Joementum!

Dearest cronies, for many years now we've struggled to bring mainstream American values--such as video-game phobia, ultra-Zionism, and unrestricted trading of speculative instruments--back into the Democratic Party. Today, in the aftermath of Election 2004, we can confidently say: Democrats have finally got the Joementum!

What exactly is Joementum? It's about standing up for the orthodox Jewish beliefs on which this country was founded. It's about finding common ground with the Republicans during divisive election campaigns. It's about not necessarily winning, but, as I said in my primary campaign, "building to a surprising finish." Thanks to Joementum, Democrats across the country are more surprised than ever!

Now's no time to rest, though. From Fallujah to Ft. Lauderdale, the freedom-haters are trying to weaken America and turn the Democrats into a party of liberals. We must fight them all along the way. Our New Democrat base of metrosexual conservatives is expanding rapidly, and if we adopt sufficiently right-wing policies, we may even get some Republicans to vote for us. Our "Bridge to the 19th Century" has never been so sturdy! Our triumph is assured!

Sincerely, your Leader,
Senator Joseph Lieberman