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Preview: "The Cut & Run Caucus Guide for Immigrants Enduring Life in the US"

From the Introduction

Greetings, immigrants! Doubtless, numerous whites have told you that this is a land of freedom, opportunity, and tolerance. Sensibly, you ignored these statements, and have spent your time in the US keeping your head down, struggling to support your family, and doing your level best to avoid whitey and his strange, unprovoked wrath. We hope that this guidebook can provide you with some valuable assistance in this area.

First, a note about whitey. You have most likely developed the impression that US whites are a bunch of gun-toting sociopaths. This is a healthy impression, and we will not attempt to dissuade you of it. However, you should know that in truth, most white Americans are just distressed, hapless people, incapable of any real harm. (We suggest watching 80s hip hop videos for an accurate representation of US whites.) Knowing this, though, will not keep you any safer, which is why this guidebook is so important.

Advice Regarding Interactions With the Local Bacon

Of course, as you already know, the po-po should be avoided at all costs. This is simply basic common sense. These are just some things to keep in mind on the off chance that you do find yourself nose to nose with one of these goons.

1. No sudden movements. They're likely drunk, and can get confused by quick gestures.
2. They have a terrible time with verbal communication. Therefore, slow your speech, and be sure to speak loudly. It's also not a bad idea to always carry the means for non-verbal communication in case you find yourself dealing with a particularly dumb specimen. A pad of paper for stick figure drawings, a simple puppet stage, or Etch-a-Sketch will all do nicely.
3. Remember: Cops know absolutely nothing about the law. That is why, it all likelihood, the first question a cop will ask you will be, "Uhh, are you allowed to do that?" Cop authority, rather than being legally based, has complicated tribal origins. To a cop, the only thing that matters is the question of whose balls are being busted. Hence a cop will say either, "Listen, I'm not tryin' to bust your balls," or "Why you tryin' to bust my balls?" if you try to explain yourself.
4. Avoid eye contact. In cop society, eye contact is interpreted as part of a complex, primitive ritual. If you make eye contact, cops will assume that you are trying to fight over a potential mate or donut. Hence if eye contact is made, avert your gaze and let the cop know, slowly and loudly, that you are by no means interested in busting his balls.

Things to Remember While Using US Public Transport

Nothing. US mass-transit is an urban legend.

Odds and Ends

Anything in the US labeled "World's Greatest" or "World Champion" or "International Sensation" can be assumed to mean "decent by American standards."

Don't drink the water! Many a tourist and immigrant has suffered greatly and developed what is often labeled "Carnegie's Revenge." Water in US cities lead-filled to the point that you can usually taste it. Rural water supplies, while often tastier, are generally full of pesticides. Stick to imported Perrier just to be safe!

In case martial law is declared, be sure to always know the location of the nearest Cuban or Venezuelan embassy.

The US is filled with vicious gangs, which are involved in all manner of criminal enterprise: brainwashing, graft, and child prostitution in particular. Stay safe--steer clear of Catholic churches and related entities! (Immigrants from Catholic countries will already know about this one.)