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In RVS 2005

August 21, 2005

RVS.org Guide: How to Read Police Reports

Loyal ReverseVoteSwappers will doubtless already be familiar with and outraged by the police murder of Jean Charles de Menezes, a young Brazilian man gunned down in a subway car during the current wave of racist hysteria in the aftermath of the London transport bombings. As though the initial reports were not disgusting enough, it is now clear that almost every detail within these reports was a police fabrication.

Pragmatic ReverseVoteSwappers, of course, know better than trust the words of racist cops trying to protect their own asses. It can still be difficult at times to wade through the various layers of police misdirection, obfuscation, and bullshit. Therefore we offer the following translation guide, so that next time an innocent person is gunned down on either side of the Atlantic, our readers will immediately be able to assemble the facts without waiting the requisite five to six weeks before the truth is actually published.

The ReverseVoteSwap.org Guide To...Reading Police Reports

Cop sez: "The suspect was linked to an ongoing terror investigation."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect was uncooperative."
Translation: "The guy rolled around while we were kicking him, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "The suspect was wearing a bulky, winter-style parka, which fits the profile of a suicide bomber."
Translation: "The suspect might not have been white."

Cop sez: "The suspect seemed agitated."
Translation: "We were beating the guy."

Cop sez: "We were unable to immediately positively ID the suspect."
Translation: "I had to take a piss, so we weren't really paying attention, but then we saw this guy and figured he'd do."

Cop sez: "Suspect seemed to be driving erratically."
Translation: "I saw a non-white driver, which immediately aroused my suspicions."

Cop sez: "The suspect was verbally hostile."
Translation: "The arrestee asked us to follow legal police procedures, which we don't like."

Cop sez: "We had to make a split-second decision."
Translation: "We felt bored after just following the guy and wanted to kick it up a notch."

Cop sez: "The incident is under internal investigation."
Translation: "It'll take more than the usual whoppers to get us out of this one."

Cop sez: "We put our lives on the line every day."
Translation: "We are constantly armed and will shoot anyone who makes us jumpy."

Posted by convener at August 21, 2005 06:02 PM